Caged Lion

Caged Lion

my first blog post

welcome to my new blog, this first post is about quarantine life and how it lead me to write a blog.

First off, I hope you are all doing well and feeling as good as possible in these crazy times. Please stay safe.

Up until two months ago, I was living on a very tight and brimming schedule. Going from school to work and back again, doing my volunteering, homework, writing and daily errands and tasks. On top of that, there is the gym, friends, family and down time for myself and hobbies. It has been this way for the past (almost) four years, since I started University, and even before that, I’ve always been drawn to that “on the go” life. Just like everyone else, I love my quiet “doing nothing time”, but there is a limit, which I usually exceed pretty quickly.

This is the final semester of my studies, which should be a hectic, crammed period, but instead, courtesy of the Corona-virus and quarantine, it turned into something else entirely. So for the past two months I’ve been spending more time in my apartment than I ever have, getting the rent money’s full worth. I’ve been out of work, studying via ZOOM and no longer have a good enough excuse to leave the house or even get changed out of my pajamas. It felt like from one day to the next, the whole world has gone mad and life as I knew it changed so suddenly and completely. At first, I thought, ‘okay, this is nice, some forced relaxation, a break from all the chaos.’ but then it went on and on and on…

It was great for the first week; catching up on sleep, Netflix, reading, writing and other small stuff I’ve never gotten around to. And let’s face it, even the most un-lazy people like to just be downright lazy from time to time. But then it went on for longer than a week, then two, and before I knew it, it’s two months later. I’m sure many of you, in a similar situation, are feeling much of the same, experiencing the frustrations and mood swings - wanting to bang your head against the wall, crawl out of your skin and always fidget restlessly.

Trying to stay positive and productive in these unknown and strange times is a difficult task, which I’m not yet sure how possible it is. To a certain extent, there are many ways and things to keep us busy and feeling useful. And I’ve been doing everything I can to feel that sense of fulfillment that I’m addicted to. I’ve been writing a lot and working out the best I can in the space available, but other than that I’ve been feeling a bit lost. I have no work, which is something that hasn’t happened in many years, and school goes on as semi-normal as can be online, but it’s not the same. I’ve been losing focus and drive to give it my all, which I really wanted and was looking forward to, especially being my final semester. Leaving with a bang was suddenly no longer possible, or at least that’s what I’ve been feeling.

No one is banning us from leaving the house, no one is keeping us physically shackled, but they may as well. Because even with the supermarket trips, and the occasional run, I try to keep my contacts to the outside world to a minimum. Because the virus is still out there, and you just never know when and how you can get infected, or even worse - infect other people. Not to mention that there is not much outside anyway, so I remain between my four walls, and no matter how nicely they’re decorated, or how comfortable I feel within them, I feel caged and locked up. Like there is something I should be doing, or somewhere I should be going, but can’t.

I think one of the most difficult challenges in this time, is not seeing any of the people closest to me in the world. I truly believe in the social distancing, even outside of the virus issue - people should learn to respect other's boundaries and personal space. I for one hate being touched and hugged by people I'm not close with, and not everyone is good at regarding that. So I'm hoping that we learn from this and continue to practice it also when this is all over. that being said, I haven't hugged my mum in over two months, and that's probably the thing I miss most. as humans, we need physical contact and interactions with others to keep high spirits.

Without being able to go on living my life properly, being profitable and fully constructive, I feel like anything I do is meaningless and pointless. Because despite all the writing I’m getting done, there is this chronic, constant and nagging feeling like I’m not doing enough, that I’m just wasting my time and life. I’m so used to being out and about, going from one place to another and just doing and getting things checked off my list. Now that it’s not possible I feel like a caged lion, stuck between bars and slowly going stir-crazy.

Life is slowly going back to normal, but it’s too slow and a little too late, because I just feel like I lost so much time, regardless of the positivity that I’ve been desperately holding on to. So never the one to wallow and allow myself to drown in pity, I’ve forced myself to make some new goals and think of steps I can take NOW to move forward and reach those goals. My biggest dream is to write novels and be a travel writer, share my stories, experiences and adventures.

So I made a to do list, with realistic and possible steps I can take, which is relevant to anything you want to achieve in my opinion. In addition to working on my story and taking it out of my brain and onto a written page, I’ve opened an Instagram account to promote and share small snippets of my writing. But the first real big and scary step is this, sharing my thoughts on a grander scale and putting it out there into the great wide web for the very first time, and hoping someone out there finds it, likes it and maybe even relates to it.

For quite a while now I’ve been contemplating on it, mulling over whether I should start my own blog. I’ve been wondering if my thoughts and ideas are even good or interesting enough... Maybe they’re not the most extravagant and ground breaking, but I was blessed with a creative mind that’s always conceiving stories, characters and words. So why not share it and put it into the world? Even if I only reach and touch a handful of people, it’s worth it. I was born with wings, ever the dreamer that loves to think big, and I’ve never allowed anyone to cut off those wings and put me down, so why should I allow myself to?

If you take away anything from this ramble, it’s this - allow yourself to dream, believe in that dream and don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re not good enough. Don’t let excuses, circumstances and restrictions stop you, because there is always a way. All you have to do is take a leap of faith in yourself, and take the right measures to bring you closer to your goal, one step at a time - and no skipping, because there are no shortcuts to real success and sense of fulfillment.

All my love,

Michal.